Things I'm learning...

First off, I am so thankful for all of the love and support I received after my last post. The thoughtful comments and emails from family and friends really made a big difference to me. Thank you! Things have really, really improved for me as a mother over the last few months, and I have given a lot of serious thought as to what has made things seem so much better. The answer, besides the kids going back to school, is me! Not me in a conceited "I'm so great" kind of way, but me because I realized that I set the tone in my family. If I am calm, and speak like a civilised person, then my children will be less likely to scream and yell. If they are screaming and yelling, what am I teaching them if I come flying into the room and yell at them to stop screaming and yelling? My children reflect me. For good or for bad. How many hundreds of times have we heard "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? I was not treating my children the way that I would want to be treated, and my attitude stunk!

Life isn't easy. There are stresses in my life that my kids can't see, that can really effect my everyday life, but it isn't fair for me to be less of a mother because it. I have been given these amazing children to help them grow and learn and become the wonderful adults that they are meant to become. I don't want them to look back at their childhoods and say that their mom was inconsistent, yelled, and felt the need to control them. I want them to say that their mom was strong, steady, loving, and was always in their corner no matter what!
I know we go through everything for a reason. I am trying to be better today than I was yesterday. My family deserves the very best I can give them every single day.

I think I was born a procrastinator, and that is one of the things in my life I am trying to remedy. I do want to keep up on this blog, and whether of not I start a new one or not, is yet to be determined. I am committed to stay focused on what matters most in life, and keep balance so that I don't drive myself or my family nuts! I am a talker and a writer (in journals). It feels like therapy to me. If reading my thoughts and ramblings on motherhood and my family helps or entertains you, great! If not, no biggie it's helping me! I love my family more than anything, and insuring it's success is one thing I can't afford to procrastinate!

Lanna

Help Wanted!

A few weeks back I was sitting down with Chuck after a particularly difficult week with the kids, talking through my frustrations about parenting for like the umpteenth time, when I realized I was sick and tired of hearing myself complain about the same struggles over and over. You know what I'm talking about (or maybe you're a better mother than me, and you don't)

My kids don't listen to me.
Why won't they clean up after themselves?
Do I seriously have to ask 16 time to get them to do something?
Will they ever respect me, our house, or their belongings?
Why do they listen to Chuck right away, and NOT me?
Will my kids ever love each other?
Why do I yell so much?
Am I too busy being frustrated that I miss out on the good moments during the day?
Do I tell them enough positive things about themselves, or do they feel like I rail on them all dang day?
Am I a push over? (YES)

Honestly, this list could go on and on, and on! I realized sometime that night that this is my chosen career, no, it really is a calling. I love my children more than anything else, yet I feel like I am failing them on so many levels. I want nothing more than to feel like I am raising my kids to become exactly what they were meant to become, and I want to feel like I did the absolute best that I could as their mother. Right now I feel like I'm getting a C+ at best.

Last year we watched the move "Julie and Julia" where the main character cooks her way through Julia Child's cook book, and blogs about it. She was a writer, and wanted to write more, and she learned to be a great cook in the process. Someday I would love to write a book. I've had this secret desire for years, and maybe I will. Someday. Right now I'm focused on being a mom, and focused on how much I'm failing at it. Then it hit me!

What if I take the next year of my life, read all the parenting books I can get my hands on, try implementing their suggestions and advice in my own family, and blog about it! What works, what doesn't, and the crazy journey I'm going on! I think it could be therapeutic and fun! This could be like my continuing education course for motherhood. After all, don't lots of companies make their employees take classes to keep their skills sharp, and make sure that they are performing to the best of their abilities? If I was my own boss, there would be days that I would put myself on unpaid administrative leave! Seriously, I can't keep pretending that "someday" it will all work out, and that my kids will turn out perfectly and I will be a total success as a mother. If I want this (and I do!), then I need to work at it! Going back to school isn't an option of me right now, so I need to do this myself.

What I need help deciding is, do I start a new blog for this, or do I just use our family blog? If I start a new blog, what do I call it? These are a few ideas I've had....

1.Motherhood: In over my head and learning how to swim.
2.The Motherhood Experiment: The Good, The Bad, and The Honest.
3.Motherhood. Seriously?
4.Motherhood. Did anyone see where I left the instructions for these kids?
5.Motherhood: In it for the long haul.
6.Motherhood: I think I can? I know I can!
7.The perfect Mother (Yeah right!)
8.Motherhood: They forgot to mention ANY of this in the birthing classes!

I would love some feedback from those of you who read my blog (when I actually post something).

I know I need to get on my knees and beg for some heavenly help. After all, these are His children. He knows them better than I do, and he also knows me, and what help I need. I can't help but feel like this idea wasn't my own, and that I won't be alone on this journey.

Love,
Lanna

Valentines Day

Monday started off worse than most Mondays at our house. The kids were being above and beyond crazy with all their fighting and yelling, and I, the Mom completely lost my temper with them. They were unloading the dishwasher for me before school, and couldn't seem to do this simple task with out wanting to kill each other! As I stood at the top of the stairs and gazed at my house that never got fully cleaned up after dinner the night before, I did it, I give them the best example of all, and yelled at them to stop yelling and fighting! Really? Wow, it's hard to suck this much as a mother!

Needless to day, I felt guilt all dang day long! Why is raising kids the hardest job on the planet??? It is the most, the very most important thing I will ever do. I know this, but forget all too often. It was time to redeem myself.

Chuck and I had decided several weeks ago that we would celebrate Valentines day with the kids instead of going out. I ran around all day getting everything for our dinner. I was spending soooo much more on dinner than usual, so I didn't go all out on the decorations or treats for the kids, just did a few special things with what I had around the house. When the kids came home from school, they were so surprised at the table, that they were good as gold, and so excited for dinner! It made me grateful I went to the extra effort that day, especially with all the mommy guilt I had been dealing with.We had crab legs, my favorite, and something I maybe have once a year. I knew the boys would love it, but wasn't so sure about the girls, but they loved it all! Chuck would crack a leg, and then Ava would sit there with her mouth open asking for more crab daddy! I wanted to take pictures of the kids eating it, but my hands were sooooo messy from the crab, that I chose to enjoy my special dinner with those I love rather than be the photographer! We got a few after shots of the mess, and can I just tell you how yummy crab is, but how absolutely horrid it makes your house smell!!

We had a great Valentines day in the end. I feel so blessed and lucky to have Chuck in my life. I can't imagine going through this parenting adventure with anyone else! As far as the kids go, I'm glad they are quick to forgive and love their imperfect mother. What would I do with out them? Sure, my house would be much, much cleaner, but I would have four huge holes in my heart that nothing could ever fill.

Love to you all,
Lanna
P.S. Pictures to be added soon:)

Rear View Mirror

Today while I was driving with Ava, I glanced in my rear view mirror at a stop sigh because she was babbling about something that was making her laugh, and I caught a glimpse of myself smiling back at her. Me, 33 years old looking at the face of my precious daughter, her big grin, so big in fact that her nose was all squished! I think this is what I had always hoped 33 would look like. Four amazing kids, a husband who believes he married up, me thinking the same about him, just living our life the best we know how, and learning and growing along every step of the way. Is our life perfect? No way, but this is our life, and I feel blessed beyond measure to have it. 

Maybe I'm just feeling over sentimental today. Yesterday I took down Ava's crib, and while I'm so excited to move forward in our parenting adventure, I'm sad to say good bye to the "baby" phase of our life. That crib has held all of my babies for thousands of nights while they dreamt and grew. That is the place I have gone to pick them up and rock them back to sleep if they woke in the night, and the place I scooped them up in the morning ready for the new day. I love my children. Who they were, and who they are becoming. Daily I laugh with them, talk with them, sometimes yell at them, but always they know they are loved. And I love that they are mine...well sort of. 

I don't know about others, but I often feel so inadequate at my abilities as a parent. I can't believe that Heavenly Father has in trusted me (and Chuck) with these amazing kids. I pray I am doing enough right.

So yes, this is me at 33, still no where close to perfect, still a crappy blogger, still trying to keep up with demands on me, and find the joy that is always there in my day. It may be a fleeting moment, a slobbery kiss, or an "please one more bed time story" plea, but it's there if I take the time to see it, just like I did today in my rear view mirror.

Love,
Lanna